I was not long In Mars before l could see that the Martians have ‘the advantage over us In every way. To begin with, the wholesome maxim that you shouldn’t speak with your mouth full does not concern the Martians at all. While they are eating with their mouths they are talking with the second mouth that they have on their thumbs. A large, stout Martian kept up a running fire of questions at me while he was taking a long drink from a pewter pot, while I, of course, had to put my glass down before I could reply. My helplessness seemed to cause them a great deal of amusement.
The gentleman who met me first took me to his home to dinner and introduced me to his family. He had a very charming daughter, who was evidently struck by my appearance. During dinner l fell a dainty pair of feet kicking me under the table, but before I had time to follow it up a couple of eyes shot under the tab with a loud swish like the sound of a light cane cutting through the air. They were the eyes of the lady’s ma who at once called her daughter to order, saying I was practically friendless and alone In Mars, and that it wasn’t fair to take advantage of my position. I assured the mater that I didn’t object to the attentions at all, but she only looked all the more severe at my admission.
l found out presently why this was so. I happened to mention that In our country the men always propose marriage to the women, and they all laughed vert heartily at the idea They laugh, of course, with their thumbs, and it is a little odd at first to hear sounds of mirth coming from the most unexpected places. The gentleman sitting next to me had his hand on my chair and it was somewhat trying to hear a merry cackle near the small of my back, while the hearty but subdued mirth of a gentleman who had his hands in his pockets was quite eerie.
My host explained to me that the Martians had long had the idea that earth was peopled by a race of lunatics, and much that i had told them tended to confirm that view. He said that In Mars, at least, as marriage was a most serious thing for the women, while it did not affect the men at all, it was only fail and right that the women should decide for themselves when they wished to get married and when to stay single About that time the young woman who had been kicking my feet shot her hand across the table and whispered something in my ear. I didn’t, of course, understand what she said, but she gave my ear a playful little pinch on withdrawing her hand I decided not to submit the sounds I had heard to the translator. Her mother called her to order again just after that, and happily changed the subject at the right moment. After dinner we went out for drive in a sort of motor ear. The roads in Mara are built on a new system entirely something like a switchback railway. Our car traveled for quite a long way from the mere effect of the the first incline, and after the first two or three miles or so we landed on a sort of lift, which at once carried us up the few feet necessary to give us the fresh Impetus we required. When I explained to my host that we take our roads just as we find them, and spend our time inventing driving power for machines to travel along them, he laughed much that be nearly fell out of the car: and as we were traveling at about a hundred miles an hour I feel sure he would have hurt himself if be had dropped. It had never occurred to me before that the motive power should be in the road and not in the vehicle, and I made a note of the circumstances on my cuff.
On our way we passed a magnificent house with a pleasure garden all around It, and I said I presumed it was the residence of a duke or successful merchant. Iit was some time before I could make myself quite understood, as the Interpreter
explained to me that there were no such things as duks or merchants, successful or otherwise, in Mars. At length, however, my host understood enough of my query to be able to explain that the palatial looking house was the residence of the district scavenger.
I thought lit rlr.st the Martian was taking me for a Jay, but it seems he was quite serious. It apears that In Mars everybody has to do useful work of some kind or another, and naturally the least pleasant work is the most highly paid. There was always a good deal off competition for the post of scavenger, as the salary was very high. And as the man who held the post for the time being was likely to be deprived of his lob after three complaints of proved neglect he naturally put his back into his work all the time.
When I explained to my host that we did just the opposite in our country, paying the least for the most unpleasant work and the highest salary to people who did no work at all. he held his thumb up In the air and fairly shrieked with it is
soon as he could speak he said I must feel pretty glad to have escaped from a country like that. And now I come to think of It, It la a little odd.
— Munch Hawson, in Plck-Me-Up!
From the Wit Humor and Sarcasm section of the New-York Tribune, November 10, 1907